


Sorry if I smothered you

by WatchforWitches



Series: Whumptober 2019 [16]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Flashbacks, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Whumptober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 14:07:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21100715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WatchforWitches/pseuds/WatchforWitches
Summary: Magnus has a flashback in the midst of a heated moment and takes stock of his bodies response.





	Sorry if I smothered you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, just a bit of a warning, obviously there are some hints at PTSD related trauma. I wanted to write this but base it in something, as Magnus laments in this trauma is unpredictable and I wanted to write that as honestly as I possibly could. It's nothing that is canon typical, but heed the warning as you will. 
> 
> For Whumptober prompts Asphyxiation and Trembling combined, as I am still playing a little bit of catch up. I hope you enjoy!

Alec was always more than a little thrown by the way he was able to take Magnus apart to this. The warlock was so otherworldly, so fantastical, and here he was laying below Alec on silk sheets. He was panting and looking at Alec with a smirking grin. "You shadowhunters and your control complexs," Magnus tutted, "What will I ever do with you?"

Alec leaned down until he was pressed chest to chest with Magnus, saying hotly into his ear, "Nothing to be done but enjoy it."

Magnus groaned softly at this, chanting his hips up needily, "What have I done with the New York Institute's perfect little virgin soldier boy?"

Alec nipped at Magnus' neck at this, running his hands up and down Magnus' thigh, encouraging his legs to open. "Freed him," Alec whispered against Magnus' skin, moving down to his collar, unbuttoning his shirt as he went.

Magnus wanted to snap both of their clothes away, but thought of the way Alec was working his way down and working his clothes off, and thought better of it. Unwrapping the gift was part of the fun of getting one, he reasoned to himself. "Urg Alec," Magnus sighed when the shadowhunter's hands came up to his stomach, raking his short nails softly across the skin there.

Alec moved his hips by way of response, and Magnus could feel even through his awful jeans how hard he was. Already, just from this. It had a dizzying affect on Magnus, he admitted. It had been too long since Alec took the reigns, he was trying to be good, Magnus knew, trying to be careful. Magnus got bored of careful very quickly, and couldn't wait for Alec to have him way with Magnus however he saw fit.

Currently, that was by grabbing him by the back of the neck and pulling him in roughly for a kiss. It was almost ferocious, searing lips with teeth and tongue. Magnus was getting lost in it, until he wasn't.

Alec's hands had moved a fraction from the back of his head, until his one hand was wrapped under the bottom of Magnus' chin. There was no solid pressure, it wasn't choking, but for some undefinable reason it shifted Magnus from the pleasure of Alec's mouth, to the frigid waters and the hands of men intent on hurting him.

There was no more pressure from Alec's fingers at all, distantly Magnus knew they were just there, just anchors. But they were in nearly an identical position to how he had been grabbed centuries ago, and something in Magnus panicked. "Stop," he pulled his mouth back enough to gasp the words, "Stop, Alec stop."

Alec pulled himself away, but in his panic didn't move himself fully, his hand still too close. Magnus grabbed at it until Alec pulled it back to him. "Magnus what's wrong? Are you okay?"

The problem with trauma, Magnus had come to understand, was that it was unpredictable. Something that was fine one day became a trigger the next, the shifted back to being fine. Magnus had plenty of lovers who were rough, who liked a little bit of choking, and the control that came with it. Magnus himself had enjoyed the thrill of it if the occasion struck his fancy.Sometimes it was a hard no, depending on the person, the situation, but most of the casual sex he had had in the past was often just simply no baggage thrills.

Maybe, he wondered, that was the difference. Alec wasn't casual he knew, Alec was anything but a hookup for the sake of an orgasm. Alec meant something, he knew, and like so many times with people that meant something, Magnus' guard was always a little higher. His heart was nothing if not protective, and his body turned to trauma in attempts to convince itself that the hands of this shadowhunter were truly trying to hurt him.

Magnus knew that was a lie, of course, but he couldn't control it, not now. He was left trembling, the memory of his breath being robbed from him felt fresh despite it's age. The way the salt water had choked him, filled his lungs in attempt to kill the monster in him. If he didn't think hard about the silk beneath his back, he could almost feel it around him. "-gnus," he heard the voice distantly, muffled as if through water. Then a hand touched his shoulder gently, until he blinked rapidly and was back in his bedroom. "Magnus?"

There was his shadowhunter, hair mused from Magnus' own hands, eyes wide in fear. Magnus could feel himself shaking still, and saw the worry plain on Alec's face. "Magnus are you okay?"

He forces away the memory, wills his trauma back into it's place, and nods. "Yes," the words scrape up his throat, "Yes sorry I just- I don't know."

"What happened," Alec asked then, he was still nearly as close as he had been minutes ago, but Magnus could feel how the room had shifted. "What did I do?"

Magnus willed himself to stop shaking, it didn't completely work, he still felt the tremors in his hands, but he was trying. "Nothing," Magnus looked at Alec, "Darling nothing. It wasn't your fault." He swallowed thickly, closing his eyes and lining the words up that he didn't want to speak. "Sometimes- it's too unpredictable to track- sometimes something will throw me back to a moment of my past. Generally not a good one. Bad memories work in tricky ways, you forget the details over time, but not the feelings they provoke."

Alec's still looking scared and confused, because of course he would be, Magnus reasoned that he barely told him anything. The shadowhunter already knew he has trauma, you can barely go a mortal upbringing without scars, let alone what Magnus lived. He swallowed again, the nerves now changed from the memory itself to the fear of telling Alec of it. "When I was young, probably 8 or 9 years old, and my demon mark first developed, my mother killed herself. You know that already," Magnus closed his eyes, remembering the way Alec held him after the incident with Valentine, when Magnus told him half the story. "Yes well, my stepfather wanted to kill the demon, so he grabbed me by my collar and held me by my neck under the water. When I was moments from passing out, my father's true magic made form in my tiny hands. I killed him, I killed the whole village."

Alec's eyes widened, "Magnus," he started, "Magnus I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Magnus assured him, "Not your sin to apologize for. You didn't know. And frankly my body betrayed me," he tries to lighten his voice then, "I have no problem with being held down or my throat being held. But for some reason this time set it off. I think my body knows your different, and wants to try and scare you away."

Alec shakes his head at this, "Not possible," his voice is low and serious, "Magnus I'm sorry, seeing you shaking like that," Alec blew out a shaky breath, "I thought I did something, I thought- I'm sorry. I'm sorry you past is so awful, and that people are awful. I wish I could make it better."

"You do," Magnus tells him, "You do Alexander. Trust me, my brain is a messy place to be on a good day. You couldn't have predicted what just happened, I couldn't have. It's alright."

Alec moves then, off of his place on Magnus' thighs and down next to him on the pillows. When Magnus turns to face him and Alec wraps an arm around him, it feels like some form of acceptance Magnus had learned long ago not to expect. "I'm sorry you went through that, that's awful. It's not your fault. And I'm not going anywhere."

Magnus sighed into Alec's hold. Words couldn't heal, not fully, but hearing them undid something in Magnus, something he didn't know had been contained for so long. Words couldn't fully heal, but Magnus felt the relief of them anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/Comments/Feedback are all welcome and greatly appreciated! 
> 
> Also I totally skipped over day 6 by mistake, and have been debating if I should write something for it and toss it in. If anyone has an requests or ideas for any of the prompts, please let me know! <33


End file.
